Being a Mom like me.

I haven't blogged in quite some time. And I have decided to morph my old thoughts on life blog, to be my new and improved Mom blog. 

Some one told me that having a child with special needs, you would lose friends, and your might even lose family support. It is hard and crazy difficult having a child with special need. It is also rewarding and celebratory around our house, but even so,  I have found the above statement to be true. People are swift to judge in this crazy world that we live in. Parents attitudes are all to soon reflected by their children. "We don't want to play with him", "Go Away!" These comments from children pain me as well as my child. When someone calls my child a bully after he acts in a way that he doesn't even fully understand, I think, now that is mean, and it is intentionally mean. Why is it okay for a child that say to my son, even though he spilled your bubbles? I take my child aside and try to explain to him why what he did was wrong, and then have him apologize. Why doesn't your mom step in and teach you something about being understanding and kind?

So here is a place that I am going to make a refuge for myself and maybe I can help you along the way too.

When Samuel was Born

Sometimes things can take a while for us to process. I have yet to write down my sweet baby boy's birth story from my perspective, and I think that now it is time.

2.24.2012 It was Friday. My dues date was only a few days away and  I thought I was having contractions. At least I thought maybe I was. They went on for a few hours and then they stopped. This made me happy and sad at the same time. I was afraid that they were going to have to induce labor for me because my blood pressure had been high. I can't say that I wasn't okay with having labor induced I just knew things would be better if they happened naturally. I also knew that even though my due date hadn't changed that March 6ish was a better estimation for what probably should have been my due date according to ultrasounds and my estimations. I was tired. My body was aching, so at that point I still had hope that things would progress.
2.27.2012 I went into the Dr's office. They did a NST, and then sent me over to see the Dr. my blood pressure was very high when they checked me first when I went to meet with the dr. so they told me that they wanted to check again in the good old fashioned way at the end of my appointment, because sometimes the machines can read high. So there we were and after a check or my dilation and a quick visit with the Dr. she sent us on our way. I reminded her she wanted to check my blood pressure, so the nurse came over, and read my pressure even higher than when I came in. The Dr. said she would like to have me monitored further and sent us to the hospital. On the way over we called my parents, who were planning on coming down the next day. It turned out that due to the inspiration of my father, my parents had left the day before, and would be arriving in a couple hours! So we went to the hospital, just walking upstairs had me reeling. At that point, I was on bed rest and I could just feel my blood pressure rise when I wasn't laying down. The hooked me up to all kinds of monitors, the nurses were very nice, and the baby and I seemed to be doing well. The Dr. came in to talk to us, and he said that usually when a mother came in so close to her due date, and she was having high blood pressure like I was, that they didn't send her away, but induced her labor. I had felt that this would end up being the case and so they decided that they would induce my labor the next morning. So, I had a lovely hospital dinner, and they gave me some medicine that was supposed to help me get ready to be induced. It supposedly would help to soften my cervix so it would dilate better (or something). Mark and I visited for a while, and my parents arrived. We visited for a bit, and I asked if Mark and my dad would give me a blessing. They did. It was a very special blessing. I decided I would get some sleep, and I was trying to rest. When Bam! I started having contractions. They came on fast and strong. I was having these contractions that would double up. So two fast contractions, and then about a minute-2 minutes later another one. They hurt really bad. Mark kept telling me to breathe, which irritated me. We instead switched to him counting while I took slow breaths. The contractions got more tiring, and painful, but I didn't want to have an epidural of any kind until I was at least 2 cm. I don't know how long this went on, but it was hard, and I cried. I didn't expect the contractions to come so fast, and close! They were coming now at least every minute. It was hurting quite bad, and I had been checked and was only dilated about 1.5 cm. Then during one particularly painful contraction, I felt this pop. My water had broken!! During each contraction, more water just gushed! I decided to go to the bathroom to get cleaned up a bit, and I had another contraction on the way and more water gushed out! It was a mess! Finally I got back to the bed. I started shaking, I was in so much pain during the contractions, and now they felt so much more intense. So, I told them, as soon as I am at 2 cm, I'll take the epidural.
Lucky for me the next time they checked I was at 2! So they sent for the anesthesiologist. He came in and was very nice. He got me all ready, and while he was putting in the epidural, it made me jump a little (despite his warning). I had a terrible contraction then. They came in to get me all hooked back up to the monitors and they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. Then they did find it, and he was in distress. His heart rate was so low. My heart rate dropped so much, they gave me a shot of adrenaline  Everyone said everything was okay, and then there were two nurses, three, four. Two doctors came in, and the anesthesiologist  I didn't know what was going on. It was scarry, and nobody was talking to me. The anesthesiologist comforted me and then they told me I was having a c-section. Before I knew it I was being wheeled away. They got me set-up (I was very out of it). They asked me if I could feel anything, and I said a little bit, and they pushed some more medicine, and literally seconds later, they held up my baby boy and whisked him away. Mark had walked in the room literally seconds before they delivered him. Mark and the baby were both gone. I was scared. For some reason, the epidural had gone up to my chest, and it felt hard to breath. I vomited a bit. I got wheeled into a different room soon after, and I cried. I was shaking so bad, my body was totally in shock. Finally Mark came in and saw me. He told me the baby was doing great, and I didn't want him to leave my side. I started shaking less, and I started breathing more strongly, and honestly I don't know how long we were in that room, because soon after they wheeled us down to our recovery room. It was so overwhelming, I didn't really know how to feel. My parents actually got to the room even before I had held the baby, so we asked them to leave, and they brought Samuel in. We named him then. I had so many mixed emotions, but one thing was for sure, he was perfect, and an angel! To be honest I was fairly out of it the rest of that day. Mark's parents came, my parents came. It was quite a day. Actually he was born on the 28th. 5lbs 15 oz and 18 inches long.

Mark was my saving grace. Everything had been so scary for me, it took a little bit to recover emotionally for me. Mark was right by my side. Samuel was so handsome. He and I spent quite a bit of time together in the hospital, as I was recovering.

That is my birth story.

Did my water just break?

So, it is Tuesday morning, and I swore Mark to secrecy about the events of our weekend. Mostly because I don't want his family to pass around stories about how I am silly, or make fun of us. But here it is.
Saturday was going by nicely until around 5:00pm. I started feeling incredibly nauseous and overall stinky. Around 8:30 the puking started. Those of you who have been pregnant will understand, that not only do you have to pee all the time, but things like puking and sneezing can cause involuntary peeing. Well, as I threw up I pee'd my pants. Sadly something I was not at all surprised about. After I had thought I had pee'd my last possible pees, and puked my last possible pukes, I found myself again at the toilet. As I puked a huge gush of liquid soaked my pajama's. I was especially surprised because I had just gone to the bathroom. In the midst of all this Mark had come home, and had to leave for his job cleaning at the Provo Temple. On the way, he had called my parents and asked them to keep in touch with me, to make sure I was okay. So, I start having cramps in my abdomen and then I start wondering if my water had just broken. I talked to my parents about it, and they weren't sure. I googled it, to see if it was even possible. And then I tried to decided what to do about it. So I laid down, and waited for Mark to get home, deciding he would help me to know what to do. My main concern at this point was I didn't know if I had actually broken my water or just pee'd my pants. So we call the doctor on call, he says to go in and get checked. So we do. We go to the hospital at around 3:00am. I am still puking and doing terrible. After a serious of test (many uncomfortable). They found out my water didn't break. Good news! During this time period, we got to see ultrasounds of our beautiful baby, and let me tell you, he has the face of an angel! Also, we got to hear his heart beat. Which surprisingly got faster every time I threw up. . .Who knew? Then they told me I was very dehydrated, gave me some nausea meds and fluids through and IV. and around 5:30 we went home. Poor Mark, worked until about 1:30am before we went to the hospital and then he worked at 11:00 at T-mobile for a special weekend sale they were having. I slept all day. Seriously. I also still slept though the night.

Lessons learned from this experience are: I need to have a bag packed in case my water does really break.
Also, Mark is the best husband in the world, and the labor and delivery people are soo nice. I mean they were incredibly nice, and didn't even make fun of me for coming in. What nice people.
Lastly, I am not ready to have our baby yet. Besides the obvious things, like how we need to get a car seat. I feel like I want to get other things in order as well.

I guess that is all. That is my story of humiliation, and joy.

Ciao!

Musings of a Wannabe Poet

So, I went to my other blog today, and realized that I have not written much, if any poetry since 2009! How sad. So I tried to get my creative juices flowing, and I will attempt to write more. I also have been dabbling with the idea of writing a book.
If you have never visited my poetry blog, feel free to take a peek :)
http://musingsofawannabepoet.blogspot.com/

LOVES Holly

The best is yet to come!

Life is WONDERFUL! I think I have had my share of fabulous blessing over the last year. I have been looking back and seen how much my life has changed. I started dating Mark, got engaged, married, and pregnant in a year!

Being pregnant has certainly had it's moments (hello toilet). But it has had it's marvelous moments as well (hello moving baby). We found out that we are having a boy a few weeks ago now. It was a very surreal moment. Now I imagine little baby all the time. I try not to worry too much.

The challenges of marriage are really not so bad. Mostly it is just me wanting to live up to my self imposed expectations of what a homemaker should be. But just for the record, I hate dishes! Outside of that, I feel blest to have on of the most loving husband. I hate it when people say things like "oh you don't know what it is really like, wait till you have been married 6 months, or a year." Whatever! People who say those things are such kill joys! I feel like Mark and I's relationship has only improved since our marriage I don't expect it to take a drastic turn just because we have been married a year, or five, or seventy.

Anywhoozle. I love life!

"the manner of happiness"

I attended a wedding luncheon on Saturday, and the mother of one of the bridal party mentioned a study that was done where a person was put in an MRI and their stress recpetors were tested. People who did the test alone had 6 of our 8 stress receptors fire. People who had a nurse hold their hand had 4, but people who had their spouse hold their hand only had two of those stress receptors fire. These numbers may be off a little bit, due to the dustyness of my memory, but I just felt so grateful having Mark sit next to me thinking of how he has really helped me to stay calm amid craziness.

I am truly excited for our marriage, and also our wedding. In the mean time there is a lot to do and plan, but how bad could it be?? I have Mark to hold my hand.

Dear June 11th

Dear June 11th,

So I guess a new chapter of my life is beginning. It is call marriage. I love having Mark Walstad in my life, and I am incredibly excited to be a Walstad. Now, engagement is probably the most exciting thing I have ever done. I have changed, and I would like to think for the better. It takes courage to trust in someone else to take care of you. I smile a lot, I cry happy tears a lot. I worry less and I love having someone who I can totally confide in. Now that I am ready for marriage, there are a lot of things to do. Pictures, Announcements, Invitations, Bridal Showers, Moving, Cleaning, Rent, Utilities, Health Insurance, Honeymoon. Lots and lots to do. . . this should make it easier for me to feel like June 11th isn't the most distant day ever created. . . but it doesn't.

I feel like I have been very patient, and I will rejoice if you could speed time up a little bit.

Dear June 11th, if you could come sooner it would be oh so nice.

Thanks,

Holly